THE NIGHT I PERFORMED THOM PAIN - AT NAKED ANGELS

Before I went on, I was terrified, nervous in a way I don't recall ever being when I used to act - this lasted for about a solid minute, then it passed, and then I got really really oddly confident. Once I started it was fun, and the audience laughed early on which made me realize i'd be in good shape. (I dropped some lines - and was really scared that I would totally "go up" as they say, but I managed to get through it)

there's a lot of audience interaction (part of it involves looking for a volunteer from the audience -- a nice palapable example of FEAR) so I get to really see who's there. Fortunately, i had a lot of friends there. Thought you might have been there - but alas, no you.

I think it went really well...all told.

All in all, it was very confirming for me:
a) I can still act (though i am a bit rusty, of course)
b) I prefer directing SOOOOO much more.
c) doing this monologue was a good thing to do.
d) actors are brave (crazy) souls.
e) acting fills me with doubt, unlike directing which fills me with confidence.

I had a dream - something to do with Valparaiso - that film project, that seems like it is dead. Oh well.

I am to meet next wednesday I believe with eva, Yael and Keith Bunin. I am happy to make Keith's acquaintance.

Matisse Picasso - perhaps eadie and allan will come up for that. That could be very very fun.

I am alone today - and Bob is stuck with me, that bastard.

It is the 11th of february, my first girlfriend, Robye Frankel's birthday. We dated for 6 days in 1981. My life has never been the same.

My neighbor upstairs has a futon for sale.

Maybe I should buy it.

Rehearsals with James Urbaniak are going well.


The piece, THOM PAIN, remains both elusive and present simultaneously. I had a great time talking to Mark Barton, the lighting designer for Valparaiso yesterday afternoon. Man. Good guy - why is he still in school. He'll be working constantly, I figure, and certainly, if I have my way.

Must form a company. Must get PLATONOV produced. That's the one I want to do most. Isn't it?

Hmm. Shuttle disaster, war with Iraq. My arms kinda hurt. Not remembering my dreams enough. Maybe it's cause I...

I am in the midst of typing Valparaiso into a doc. Any potential adaptation must start somewhere. tonight, I meet with the naked angels folks. To find out about next week's project issues/fear or whatever they call it.
This weekend was a bit of a bust. I guess. I sort of got to catch up on my sleep. What was Friday night? I remember going to the Rattlestick theater for literally two seconds. Literally 7 minutes. I left my scarf there - and then had to battle my neurosis - if I went back, would I seem too forgetful? Or if I left it there, wouldn't that give me an excuse to check back and have the promised follow up? So I left it there. Emailed. And found out this am that, yes, they do have it. Then on Friday I ate at sumos.
Part of my mock atkins diet. I do think I am losing weight. Let's hope. I wonder how many pounds I can shed a week. without exercise? Then I went home and didn't get the application for drama league completed.

Saturday, I completed it, sort of. Then went to meet Keith Reddin. He wants me to direct a play of his for some little theater company whose name escapes me. Then off to Brooklyn for a crappy apartment hunt. I was underwhelmed. Then the shuttle blew up. Which I seriously anticipated. (But what are you going to think when you hear "Nasa has ok'd the landing of the oldest shuttle in the fleet. Oh, and security is really high, because of the Israeli on board.)

Off to brooklyn where I got waylaid by the insane broker. Jesus. He made me miss the 4pm local post office deadline. And then I was off to home, compiled the apps. and then waited in line at the 34th street station for an hour. ouch.

I have been horrible about this for at least a week, right. I suck! forgive me.

But I have been in LA taking jacuzzis etc.



And since i have been back, I have been mostly working on my applications for the Drama League Directing Programs. This of course included asking Jack F. and Donnie D. to write on my behalf.

Well - I was supposed to have a lunch today, but alas no lunch. Instead it was turkey downstairs. Mllyuuch!

Had a crazy dream last night: a rocket exploded in Jersey City - and I saw the thing happen.

Go up in flames. And as I watched, there was a secondary explosion. From that a piece of metal, an enormous piece of debris went flying in my direction...and I said to myself - this is it. Or I am going to die now. But I didn't.

What else? Naked Angels reading might happen. As will the Cherry Lane staged reading.

Amy B has set me up with many, many meetings: LA Theaterworks, South Coast Rep, Mark Taper and maybe even Geffen. Shit. That's a lot to deal with in a few days. Or, a day. This is what I want though. right? Absolutely. HB

jesus - so much to catch up. The wedding, the trip to Sarasota, King. And now it's wednesday. So I guess we skip the wedding, Sarasota and King and just move it on.

Nah, let's talk about the wedding: bunch of us running around crazily like wild animals


The wedding included the "release of limiting beliefs of marriage" ceremony, consisting of David and Dara burning sage, reading slips of paper and then burning them, and then looking at everybody in the audience. I enjoyed meeting all the people of course, but I cannot deny that my mind was elsewhere - on the eagles! who lost! who choked! oh well...

the best part of the weekend for me was not necessarily being with all my old chums - it was seeing novella and her family. her kids are adorable and she and max seem really good. max actually had a heart attack - which is just terrifying because he is very young, and extremely fit physically.
Shit.

King: I was most pleased by how it went. All of the performances were pretty good and I think we created a fairly laid back atmosphere - where it seemed more like an open rehearsal than a presentation. it was all hustle to get back and that was just great that I didn't drink myself into oblivion the night before like many of my comrades did.

Had a great rehearsal last night. And bumped into liz who greeted me with a kiss on the cheek of course. How bizarre is that! Will Eno! Tragedy has been printed by Oberon press in England and yesterday he has given me a copy. Pretty psyched for him!



Dingalls wedding is Sunday. I am pooped but really excited to see everyone and get out of dodge. When I come back, it's a bit of a busy week - Monday night is the King reading. Tuesday is the Exonerated. Wednesday a night out with Michelle. Two things on Thursday including Dan Lipow's party - what else? Friday - whew - and then Saturday off to LA.

I was so wiped out yesterday that I didn't even get to write. No doubt I won't get to write today either - because here he comes. Ugh. It is just the worst. I must find my way out of this mess. How can I get out of it?


The fucker is here and wants me to track down things that cannot be tracked.


Last night's dream. Attempted to convince the rude mechanicals theater companythat Platonov by Chekhov

was the play they should be doing next. Seriously. And I remember giving some girl shit for wanting to cut me off. I remember giving liz a kiss hello. But really, there is something about Chekhov that just feels right.


Must follow up on those names that Amy gave me so that I can meet up with folks who can help me with my career. Help me get the fucking bejesus out of this hell hole. I am not exaggerating. I feel tense and awful and bloated and unhappy all the time. I need to leave. How great would it be to just walk out. Today.

What a great thought.

I am wiped out


A tiring day, and an exhausting night awaits. KING is the name of the game. I've got to send out my Evites to the masses. And maybe we'll get a bunch of people to come. Or not. THe important thing to cover tonight is that it's an exploration of the text. I believe in Will and believe there is a strong play here. What bums me out is how tired I am already at 4:30. I am sure I looked like crap last night.

Been listening to Norah Jones a bunch. It's beginning to help.



Give my spiel on the play, etc.

Here is how I feel from 9-5

Just received an email from Novella and Max. great pictures of the whole family. I can tell already that leonardo is going to be trouble. However, please look at this amazing picture of Nonni Ardinghi.


I almost cannot handle it. It's just so nice. Such a nice time in my life. And how blessed I was that it even happened. You know? I have some nice memories - and want so desperately to have new ones, similar ones. Instead...Sorry to be so down today.

Just had a nice talk with Talya. Last night I went to see the movie, MAX: portrait of hitler as a young artist. I thought Noah Taylor was tremendous. Cusack was a bit miscast. But so what - I thought they had a great feel for Munich after WW1. Which I know nothing about.

I remember getting into Grosz and some of the other degenerate artists during my work on the substance of fire.



Who knew that it was going to happen? Did the folks know that the Holocaust was around the corner? Were Germans that complicit? Did people realize that they had helped allow the rise of a madman of pure evil?

SANDWICHES THAT YOU WILL LIKE!





i feel pretty good - though I will end up posting this baby a little later than I am used to. I had a dream that I was with nancy hess - an excellent musician who I met at Dan's/Bombo's XMAS party - in a car on my way to the chicago train station. We winded our way down cobble stone streets with a driver who seemed not to mind if he killed us. Cobble stones and a river in chicago.

At the station, Nancy gave out XMAS gifts. A travis cd? What's that? then I saw Jen Bekman - who was my boss at my last dotcom gig - earthnoise - so defunct...I recently spotted her at Tower records. And walked right on by. In the dream I told her how great I was - which, relative to the time at earthnoise - is actually true.

This, was after having a more or less horrific day -
-


A show about sandwiches! Now these guys are talking!

I had drinks last night with Mort Swinsky at the Friars Club.

Incredibly nice guy, my brother's roommate from college's wife's father. A Broadway producer - now producing Metamorphoses, Hairspray, the Exonerated. Not too shabby.

I wonder if he would be interested in my kind of theater. Which is what, exactly? I love Eno's stuff. Because it closely resembles my own sense of humor, I think. Much word play. Strange.

Hal's Purple Sweater

Saw About Schmidt last night with Dan. I think I liked it a lot more than he did. He didn't see it was worth much. And had Jack not been in it it may have been completely

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind. In my head, I've been heading to Florida on Friday, January 10th for a long while. Much to my surprise, I am actually going the following weekend. The good news: that's the weekend I bought my tix for; the bad news: I'd scheduled a 5 day workshop of Will Eno's play KING for the same weekend. I think it'll all work out. But on the other hand, I'll probably be a lot more stressed and exhaused than I intended.


In other news, man, i eat and waste way too much money eating Chinese Food. I watched Jerry Maguire again last night. Why exactly? I think it is such a strange movie. Tom Cruise doesn't really love her, does he? He says some things that appear that he has changed, at the end, sort of. But has he? Doesn't he really just hate to be alone? He had her at hello,
sure, but what has changed. He loves the kid more than he loves her. Right?

Wiped Out! Why? too much football? a beer yesterday?

I am a little freaked out by a call from a teacher at LaGuardia High School, the FAME school.

something about meeting with the superintendant. Don't know at all what he was talking about, aside from the fact that he passed my resume on to the principal. This may have contributed to my dream
which I will call the WATER ENGINE:

In it I am proposing for the third time a science project that would split Hydrogen from Oxygen in water,

then using the hydogen from the water as a fuel. Water is piped through a tube, in a parabolic mirror. If it reaches a certain temperature at the focus of the mirror, oxygen and hydrogen are split due to the incredible heat. So using only solar power, I have solved the energy problem!...And I proposed this to Dr. Robert Stamper, the bio teacher we all worshipped when I was a science geek, the teacher who, disgusted, returned exams to us saying, "would a doctor get 80 percent of an operation correct?"

In other news: Watched way too much football this weekend.

Thankfully the Giants lost. They completely fell apart. Go Eagles.

Sorenson was also in the dream. Really looking forward to next weekend. Dingalls wedding!

In my effort to keep costs down, I decided to get rid of cable and dsl. Dutifully, I called both TimeWarner and Verizon. No, not only have I not gotten rid of either, i have kept them. Verizon offered me DSL fo 29.95/mo for 6 months and TimeWarner gave me DTV for the same price that I was paying.

I now have 200 channels. There is the scotch tape channel, mountain goat vision, and operations for men. .

I woke up feeling slightly sick. Was it today or yesterday I woke up sad about Herb being no longer with us. Then I heard on NPR a talk with people who have changed careers: an investor banker who moved to Louisiana to become a catfish farmer and now runs a book shop in Minnesota. A lawyer who is now a trucker. Each of them harbored secret dreams: is being at camp as head counsellor my secret dream? Or is it an effort to run away from my dream - of forging a career as a director?

Saw Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Kirsten Wilson is in it.
. I think she could be a huge star. Thought the movie was pretty frigging ok. Not great. What was it about? He's crazy? He's in love? What's the struggle? Between Julia Roberts and Drew Barrymore? I just have not been having fun at the movies.

Last night's monty python was the famed bicycle tour. Today, Ian McNaughton, the director of the python episodes, has died.

Do not be daunted. Kick some tuchus. Read John Guare's Landscape of the Body. Slight. How do you make songs like that work in a straight play? And there is something so darn light about it all. It just doesn't seem to matter much.

How I did with last year's resolutions

• Floss Daily - YEP. Still doing it.
  
• Workout aero 3X NOT EVEN CLOSE
  
• 15 lbs by feb 15. SURE SURE
  
• Vitamins (B Complex, Magnesium, Multi C) -I GAVE IT UP, BUT NOW I'M BACK!
  
• Attack Anxiety - EH
  
• Celebrate Special Occasions (36 Birthday -- Double Chai) -COULD HAVE DONE BETTER
  
• Moisturize - DONE
  
• Charity -- which one? What can I do? ONCE, HERE AT GOLDMAN SACHS.
  
• Be more rigorous with how time is spent. NO. Didn't do so good.
  
• Um -- get a job that has meaning -- NO NO NO
  
• LIFE UPGRADE! (New Apartment) NO
  
• Be Honest and True to Yourself and Others DID MY BEST. CAN DO BETTER
  
• A piece of fruit each day. ONLY WHEN I ATE THE BANANAS
  
• Complete task list SOME DAYS I KNOCKED
  
• Address book -- Print it out -- Make sure its accurate and updated - THINK I'M ALL RIGHT HERE
  
• The List is Life (this means see a lot of movies that are on a separate list) I DID ALL RIGHT.
  
• Sleep fewer hours -- sleep better! DEPENDS ON THE SEASON
  
• Quicken - get it done. YEP
  

Gonna give this another go. Since I have been so impressive in the past. It's the day after New Years. I want to figure out how to be productive and creative while waiting. I bought Bartleby the Scrivener. Apparently the first temp in history to put it to his bosses. Also, wondering what Einstein really did when he was a clerk in Switzerland. Did he really spend his days day dreaming about Physics? Or was he really in love with the woman at the grocery store across the way?

Tonight: to see a movie. What? Frida? About Schmidt?

Read the Simulacra by Philip K. Dick. Hilarious. The country is run by the First Lady, Nicole Thibodeaux. But she's really the fourth actress to play the role. The President is a robot, or simulacrum. Bertold Goltz, a jew, is running a fascist rabblerousing neo-nazi organization, but he really is one of the nine people who run the government of the USEA. Kongrosian, a musician, believes he has phobic body odor, and possesses psychokinesis. And two guys who blow jugs are auditioning for the presidential talent show. Nuts. But could make for hilarious theater.