EPAs

I arrived at 9:30 am to help with Reverie Productions' EPAs - essentially Open Calls for members of Actors Equity . Non-profit theaters, or maybe any theater with an equity contract, are obliged to hold these auditions.

They are torture. And very depressing.

I believe we saw close to 150-175 actors over the course of 7 hours. That's about 20 an hour, giving each actor less than 3 minutes to audition. It just wreaks so horribly of desperation.

Worst was the misogyny and out-and-out violence in these monologues. OK, mea culpa: I shouldn't have asked for dramatic monologues. I should have asked for comedic - why not? The play I'm working on may not be an uproarious comedy, but hey, at least hearing comedy might have been entertaining - for both auditor and performer (auditioner).

Here are my new rules

1) No mamet (especially Glengarry)
2) No screaming
3) No violence
4) No need to use anyone behind the table
5) Please be sure to resemble a human, if at all possible, before beginning, as well as after concluding with the piece.

There was one guy who just terrified me: i had this vision of him at home in his garret chainsmoking while watching reruns of vampirella and elvira and whipping himself and examining his pierced flesh. He had some horrific monologue and of course directed it at poor Layna who recoiled in horror.

Then there was the woman who loved Thom Pain - "saw it twice". She announced that her piece would be fierce and then proceeded to screech at us at decibel higher than the who concerts of the 70s - some caryl churchill monologue. What was I to do with it? It was "fierce" to be sure - but I just thought to myself "My god! I am being shouted at!"

The whole affair terrified me the same way temping did: My god. I never want to do this again. Ever. Please let it end. You can't help but to spin downward thinking about life and the sorry state of affairs.

There were complete sociopaths in the lot: and they have to be at least equity candidates to qualify.

At times I felt like I was in a sidney lumet film (early 70s). Especially when the older ladies came in...You can't help but sympathize with them: how they're dressed, their bags, their hopes...There was a woman who was in Scorsese's the departed (last year) and well - she attached a picture attached to her resume with her smiling in front of a casket. I dunno...I had horrific dreams as a result.

In a way, I kind of admired the woman who just went up on her lines and walked out without saying thanks or sorry - it violates rule 5 above, but hey - when you know you've tanked, sometimes its just better to get out of the room.

I will say this now, and proclaim it loudly: NEVER AGAIN!