Funny...

BY THE DIRECTOR:

* Wow, the designers were right, weren't they?
* No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
* I think the scene changes are too fast.
* Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
* The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
* That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
* Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
* This chair’s fine, thank you.
* No we don't need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
* Thank You.
* We’ll use it as it is.
* My round, are all the crew here?
* No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

* Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
* Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
* You know, you might have a point there.
* The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
* We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose.
* The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
* No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

* This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
* We built it right the first time.
* No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
* I love designers.
* No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

* Don't.... Let's not talk about me.
* I really think my big scene should be cut.
* This costume is so comfortable.
* I love my shoes.
* No problem, I can do that myself.
* I have a fantastic agent.
* Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
* No, leave that spot where it is - I'll walk into it.
* I'm sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
* Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
* No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

* There's room for that over here.
* We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
* No, no, I'm sure that is our job.
* Anything I can do to help?
* All the tools are carefully locked away.
* Can we do that scene change again, please?
* It's a marvellous show.
* I don't need this many on the crew.
* I'm getting loads of sleep - everythings going really well.
* No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

* I must fix the light in the publicity office.
* This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
* Of course I can operate sound from here.
* Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
* All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
* I’ll do that right away.
* All the equipment is working perfectly.
* No, please - take the last doughnut.
* That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
* Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn't it.
* I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
* No, honestly, it’s my round.
* Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

* This floor’s fine.
* Plenty warm enough, thank you.
* Thank you.
* The lights are spot on.
* Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
* One dressing room’s fine.
* The costumes are perfect.
* The boom positions are fine.
* The wing space is ample, really.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

* Oh the pit's fine; actually we don't need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.
* No it's alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don't want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
* Could you turn these music stand lights down? They're a bit too bright.
* Of course we can play quieter.
* The foldback is fine.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

* Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

BY THE PLAYWRIGHT
* Just say the line any way that feels right to you; I'm not precious about my words.
* My agent is wonderful.
* No need to pay me a royalty or a licensing fee -- it's such an honor just to work with this theater.
* I don't think 3% for 3 years is nearly enough back-end participation for this theater, given everything they've done to promote my play. I think they should get at least 20% -- forever!
* You're absolutely right! That character would never say that.
* You understand the character far better than I do at this point.
* I don't know what I did before there were dramaturges.
* That's a fantastic idea for a play. I'm going to stop all my other projects right now and write it. And I want you to have 20% of anything I earn from it, for coming up with such a fabulous concept.
* Why would I need to be at any rehearsals? I trust you guys know what you're doing.
* No thanks, I don't drink...